Let me reveal a secret about social functions in the military:  No one wants to attend a morale or family event and feel like they’re right back at work. We spend all day in the midst of clear authority, customs, and time-critical tasks and we don’t want our social events to feel anything like that.

But, we’ve all been there. Here’s a short story.

I was in a unit where the commander did everything to make the social events uncomfortable. He expected everyone to wear pressed khakis and nice shoes, even if the event was at an average chain restaurant. There was a hard schedule of events, which made the evenings feel scripted and fake.

He didn’t prepare his notes in enough detail, so the hails/farewells felt like we were just hanging out inside his head while he searched for comments. The social portions were not at all engaging. People just shook hands stiffly, introduced their spouses, and proceeded to talk about work.

To top it all off, the commander had an odd attitude about alcohol. He informally insisted that no one else drink until he did, but then he’d wait all evening to have his first beer, leaving us with no liquid assistance to endure his presentations that night! Frustrating.

The problem with hosting events like this is that people rarely feel like they’ve built the team in a new way. The evening is just a rehash of what happens at work. And to make it more unfulfilling, they brought their spouse too, which makes it feel like a wasted date night.

So, what’s the antidote?

“Ein Prosit”

Consider a German concept called “Gemutlichkeit,” which you’ve actually heard more times than you may realize. It’s the main theme of the infamous Oktoberfest toasting song “Ein Prosit”:

Ein Prosit, ein Prosit
Der Gemütlichkeit
Ein Prosit, ein Prosit
Der Gemütlichkeit. (here’s the part where you count to three and drink!)

The definition is a fitting antithesis to the atmosphere of most military units:

Gemütlichkeit (German pronunciation: [ɡəˈmyːtlɪçkaɪt]) means a situation that induces a cheerful mood, peace of mind, with connotation of belonging and social acceptance, coziness and unhurry. Gemütlichkeit encapsulates a feeling of inclusion and leaving your troubles at the door.

Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that? Gemütlichkeit is the notion that everyone is welcome without having to prove anything. I particularly like the word “unhurry” because it feels like a remedy for the tone of the work day.

Shorts and Flip-Flops

Later in my career I had a commander who was the opposite of the one I mentioned earlier. It helps that he was a people-person, but he also made a specific effort to avoid infusing pressure into the social events. There was no dress code – shorts and flip-flops were acceptable.

He encouraged responsible drinking and wanted very few scripted events. The evenings were about strengthening the team across the formation, not up. And as a sign that he and his wife actually enjoyed spending time with the unit, they invited everyone to their house after the dinner events.

So, maybe you’re not the type of person who can immediately internalize Gemütlichkeit, but you know you don’t want to be the first commander I mentioned. Here are a few ideas to consider:

• Don’t bring work to the party. Let go of the need to apply military rules to social events. There’s good argument to believe that since spouses and children will attend, there should be no military formalities that restrict the occasion.
• Forego the need to exert your authority or presence in this environment. It will be clear enough already who is in charge. Take the focus off of you and commit to building the team across the various units.
• In a similar vein, let other people drive the conversations. As the leader, it will be natural for groups to hover around you and defer to your commentary. Don’t let this get out of hand. Shift the attention back to them. Ask personal questions. Create an opportunity to learn something about your subordinates and spouses that you would never learn at work.
• Create a theme. Themed events are a wonderful way to shed the military tone from a party. Go Hawaiian, 80’s, a sports theme…anything but khakis and a polo!
• Ask the experts. Commanders, ask your spouse what type of event they’d like to be a part of…and listen to them!

Questions for Leaders

• How effective would your team be if everyone liked each other so much that they hung out in their off time?
• What level of comfort are you willing to forego to ensure everyone has a good time at your unit’s events?
• Have you really researched how you can improve the quality of your social events? Why not?

**Definitions and description from Wikipedia and www.oktoberfest-songs.com

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